I hate to journal. But I have so many feelings. So this is it folks. My secrets, my thoughts, my emotions, my favorite words, my favorite pictures, my favorite music. This is me. You won't understand a lot of this, but don't judge me. I'm up, I'm down, I'm this, I'm that. These are trivial years in life. My thoughts are running wild, and I'm testing the waters in every area of life: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Don't try to make sense of it, just try and understand me.
Brendan, theres a lot i've personally written about you in here.
Well, I haven’t written in a while, and honestly i’m not sure if i even want to write. but i figured i should. because a lot is going on, and i need to get a grip and think about things, and not just run from it or ignore it. So to just get right to the point- i’ve been talking to brendan a lot lately. in fact, on st. patty’s day, he got really drunk and professed his love for me. Well, you could only imagine all the thoughts flying through my head. When he kept saying it, all i could do was laugh. that nervous laugh i do when i’m in awkward situations. i didn’t know what to do. i just kept telling him to go drink water. i’m just feeling so many different things. and yeah, a part of me doesn’t mind that he said it, and of course theres a selfish part of me that feels like “haha now i know for sure” but heres the thing, i didn’t actually need to hear him say it, and so most of me is upset he even did say it. because it fucks everything up. we were doing good being friends, and friends is what we need to be, for a long long time. and now he just really effed that up because now when i go home for the summer there is no way we can ignore it. we might be ignoring it now, and pretending he didn’t say all of it, but thats because its easier, we’re a 1000 miles away. but what happens when we see each other and all those feelings come flooding back, and we don’t have the self-control not to kiss and act like we’re dating again. because the “i love you” line has been crossed, it’s going to be that much harder to just act like friends. and that just really scares me because we cannot date. and we cannot really even act like we’re dating. but now its almost inevitable, and that scares me. because we’re so not ready to date again. brendan still has a long way to go to find his own contentment in life, and to beat his own addictions, and he can never give me his all or accept all my love until he figures that out. and i can’t get back into that cat and mouse game because it brings me down so much. it literally takes my happiness away to worry about him like that. and we just needed time to be friends and see if we can even make each other happy as friends, and have fun together. because the last few months of dating we never had fun together. we were always angry or annoyed at one another and neither of us could do anything right. we can’t date yet because it would go right back to that. we needed to be friends, and rediscover one another. and if we dated again, we would actually need to date. we would need to do cute things, and hang out with one another and overall just be friends. not get caught in this mess of just abusing each other. i don’t know what to do. and i’m scared. i’m scared because i can’t go through this again. its either for forever or it needs to end and he needs to find a new girl. its also scary because i don’t really think i would like him as a person right now, and i can’t not like the man i marry. i don’t like his addictions and i don’t know if he’s still lazy and motivated. i guess thats where rediscovering him comes into play. i just am really scared. but i do miss him, and do wish things could work out. he also needs to find god again. we can’t be in a relationship without god in the center again. and honestly, i can be his friend, i can hold off on the dating, but it’s just going to be so hard not to kiss him :( and once we kiss, then everything changes, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. because once we kiss, we won’t stop. and i know that will include sex. i won’t be able to resist it i don’t think. and i cannot have sex with him. if i think things are complicated now, damn things would be hard after that. because summers going to go quick, and then i’ll be back at school, and we would have two years of distance to get through. and how the hell are we supposed to do that. and that scares me already. i’m already stressing over those feelings. the end of the summer feeling, the emptiness, the pain, the sadness. i’m already stressing over that. it’s been nice not having to stress over him. and i know that comes with any relationship. but i’ve so enjoyed my freedom especially these past few weeks. and i’ve so enjoyed my happiness being in florida and doing my college things, and getting back into it with brendan would ruin that because then i gotta deal with the sadness of not being with him. and thats really freaking me out. and i don’t know what to do about it. because i love him so much. but the timing still sucks. and theres no way to avoid not falling back together this summer, at least i don’t think there is. i wish there was but i don’t think there is. because we’re going to hang out, and we’re not going to be able to stop. and if we stop then what if we miss out on something great. but what if he doesn’t grow up a little more. then we’re screwed. lord i just pray he finds his way back to you. because we especially can’t do this without you. please help me. please guide me. and please let your will be done. if we’re not supposed to rekindle this summer then please shut that door way closed and not even just cracked, but locked. because we both don’t have the self control not to open it unless its locked. and if we are, then well here goes nothing but just please give me the strength and wisdom. lord i just pray for my senior year brendan… i know that sounds bad, and i love him for him and love him even now in all of his shit, but i miss the boy i dated in high school. i think that it comes down to that in a lot of ways…
Always a lot to say but never enough focus… anyway
We can start with tonight just because its so fresh in my mind.
I had speech class tonight, and the speech everyone had to give was the coat of arms speech, which is pretty much describing yourself. Everyone, literally everyone, in the class described amazing things about God and what He has done in their lives to shape them, and I was just sitting there thinking- wow, I wouldn’t even mention God in my speech. And it was a little upsetting because everyone seemed so passionate and I’m just like, how come they all can get it but I cant type thing. I don’t even know if that makes sense. But then after class I went straight to chapel and the first two songs of worship I just stood idle, a few tear drops here and there but then Andrew Guard got up and started praying for Gods presence to fill not the room but each individual seat and person and then they sang the song- where the spirit of the lord is there is freedom- and I just started sobbing and this overwhelming feeling took over me and I broke out into a giant sweat and it was an incredible feeling, and I really believe it might have been the presence of God. And it was crazy because I really, really needed that tonight. Also, at 24 hour prayer last week I was just begging god to set me free from things that are bringing me down and its just crazy how this feeling came over me while the song was – where the spirit of the lord is there is freedom. I’m just really thankful to god for that moment and I just pray I would continue to encounter him like that because I really need it in my life right now. I’m so lost. Don’t know what to do sometimes. Don’t know what I believe or what I even want to believe. Like Andrew guard said tonight, I’m just going to keep staying in the right place and hope that the right timing comes soon because I need an encounter with god that will change my life forever, or else I think I may just stay mundane and faithless pretending like I have faith. I’m just not IN LOVE with god. Yeah, I love him, but it doesn’t consume me like these Christians preach about.
Also I’ve just been feeling really anxious these past few days. I’m in the process of applying for my cuny schools. Hoping to get a huge chunk of that done tomorrow. Got a babysitting interview tomorrow. Really just anxious about money, because I have none. That stresses me about beyond belief. And feeling anxious because I’m torn between so many different friend groups and I feel like I cant handle it. Like in order to spend time with one group I have to ditch the two others and its stressful because I want to be friends with everyone and that’s just so hard to do on top of school, and wanting a job. So that just stresses me out because I’m always given crap from people abut stuff like this.
But I’m super enjoying my education classes and the thought of being a teacher. I’m really happy I switched my major. I really feel good about it. Of course I miss the social work family here like crazy but I’m so excited to be a teacher.
Sorry I’m just rambling soooo I’ll come back tomorrow with a more centered entry.