I hate to journal. But I have so many feelings. So this is it folks. My secrets, my thoughts, my emotions, my favorite words, my favorite pictures, my favorite music. This is me. You won't understand a lot of this, but don't judge me. I'm up, I'm down, I'm this, I'm that. These are trivial years in life. My thoughts are running wild, and I'm testing the waters in every area of life: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Don't try to make sense of it, just try and understand me.
Brendan, theres a lot i've personally written about you in here.
Always a lot to say but never enough focus… anyway
We can start with tonight just because its so fresh in my mind.
I had speech class tonight, and the speech everyone had to give was the coat of arms speech, which is pretty much describing yourself. Everyone, literally everyone, in the class described amazing things about God and what He has done in their lives to shape them, and I was just sitting there thinking- wow, I wouldn’t even mention God in my speech. And it was a little upsetting because everyone seemed so passionate and I’m just like, how come they all can get it but I cant type thing. I don’t even know if that makes sense. But then after class I went straight to chapel and the first two songs of worship I just stood idle, a few tear drops here and there but then Andrew Guard got up and started praying for Gods presence to fill not the room but each individual seat and person and then they sang the song- where the spirit of the lord is there is freedom- and I just started sobbing and this overwhelming feeling took over me and I broke out into a giant sweat and it was an incredible feeling, and I really believe it might have been the presence of God. And it was crazy because I really, really needed that tonight. Also, at 24 hour prayer last week I was just begging god to set me free from things that are bringing me down and its just crazy how this feeling came over me while the song was – where the spirit of the lord is there is freedom. I’m just really thankful to god for that moment and I just pray I would continue to encounter him like that because I really need it in my life right now. I’m so lost. Don’t know what to do sometimes. Don’t know what I believe or what I even want to believe. Like Andrew guard said tonight, I’m just going to keep staying in the right place and hope that the right timing comes soon because I need an encounter with god that will change my life forever, or else I think I may just stay mundane and faithless pretending like I have faith. I’m just not IN LOVE with god. Yeah, I love him, but it doesn’t consume me like these Christians preach about.
Also I’ve just been feeling really anxious these past few days. I’m in the process of applying for my cuny schools. Hoping to get a huge chunk of that done tomorrow. Got a babysitting interview tomorrow. Really just anxious about money, because I have none. That stresses me about beyond belief. And feeling anxious because I’m torn between so many different friend groups and I feel like I cant handle it. Like in order to spend time with one group I have to ditch the two others and its stressful because I want to be friends with everyone and that’s just so hard to do on top of school, and wanting a job. So that just stresses me out because I’m always given crap from people abut stuff like this.
But I’m super enjoying my education classes and the thought of being a teacher. I’m really happy I switched my major. I really feel good about it. Of course I miss the social work family here like crazy but I’m so excited to be a teacher.
Sorry I’m just rambling soooo I’ll come back tomorrow with a more centered entry.
This is my fourth semester in college. I’m two days in, and already my emotions are all over the place. My winter break was okay. It wasn’t great, but of course I enjoyed myself. I think the problem with being home is that I obsess over Brendan because there’s no way to distract myself from it. So I spent a lot of my break in my bed, watching TV, and honestly I was depressed. Yet, I still loved it at home enough to still consider transferring. I think one of the main reasons I want to transfer is because I’m so sick of Christian education. Its been such a big blessing in my life, but i’m over it. I need a change, I need to experience different things, and hear different things. I need to not have the bible and jesus shoved down my throat every moment of everyday, I need to discover my relationship with him outside of Christian education. That’s the main reason I want to transfer. So I don’t know whether or not to suck it up and just enjoy it for the last two years, or go home and experience something else. I also love the city. I want to live there so badly. Its truly a dream of mine and it depresses me to wonder about if I cant make it happen. I want to live in new york city. Bottom line. So those are the two reasons I am so strongly thinking of transferring. But, I have truly enjoyed the past two days here and so I don’t know. I’m so torn. Also, I switched my major to education. I’m really happy about it, and I feel confident in the disicion. Also, I’ve branched out a little bit, I’ve been looking and thinking about other guys, and even billy I’m getting close to. He makes me laugh, and I know things would be very different with him than they were with Brendan. Billy reminds me of my relationship with Bryan. And I was in love with Bryan, and we would have had a great love together if we had both admitted our feelings. With Brendan, I so deeply cared about him in a way that I never thought possible. I cared for his happiness over mine every single second of the day. Except for now I’m so angry and hurt that I want him to suffer like he caused and is causing me to suffer, but still, when I was with him… I cared for him as if he was myself. I know I’ll be able to love again, and I know it will be great when I do, but I still cant help but believe me and Brendan might end up together. I think with Brendan and I, there’s this aspect where we just complete each other, and no matter the fight, we love each other and didn’t want to be without one another. We would rather scream I hate you and make up a few hours later than take a step back and admit that we maybe needed space. And I think that was part of the missing puzzle piece thing we had/have going, we just fit. But in a lot of ways, we don’t fit. I have to remind myself that there were truly a lot of things I hated about Brendan. He was selfish, A LOT. And he tried so hard not to be, but he was. And he didn’t build me up, I didn’t feel like he encouraged me a lot. Like the fact that he practically told me I would be the worst social work major ever. And I hated his sense of humor. I thought it was so offensive and not funny in the slightest. It embarrassed me to be with him a lot of the times, especially when he was trying to be “funny”. I could also see drugs and alcohol being a big problem in our relationship for the rest of our lives. He depended on it too much. But also, a lot of the things I didn’t like about Brendan didn’t show up until this past year. His mom hurt him so bad he literally became a different person. The Brendan our freshman year of college was not the Brendan I fell madly in love with our senior year of high school. And that broke my heart every single day. I just wanted my old bearface back. And I believe that if Brendan and I take this time apart and he rediscovers that Brendan, and we start over, we would have an incredible love. Because we so deeply want it, I really believe that. But we cant reach it right now because Brendan is so lost and hurting. Or we can take this time apart and Brendan can keep heading down this wrong path, in which case we will never work. So I guess we will really have to see. Whatever’s meant to be, will be. I would love to marry the man I fell in love with senior year though. He was so sweet. He was so caring. He was so passionate. I don’t know though, only time will tell. Well, its one am and I’m really tired so I’m going to call it a night. I will write soon.
Almost three months actually. Three months. Never thought we would go this long without talking. Especially after ending on such a bad note. Do you know how much you hurt me? That day, when you told me you would never come back, never speak to me again. I thought I meant more to you than that. I also never believed you would actually ignore me for the next three months. And as its looking, probably forever. I still love you. I still ache for you. I still wait up to hear you come in, run up the stairs and give me a kiss goodnight. I still check my phone to see if you’ve texted me. I miss you so bad it legitimately hurts. I don’t know what to do about it anymore. I don’t know if I should text you, or call, or show up somewhere i know you’ll be. But I don’t think I’m strong enough. I just wish there was a way to fix us. I know there may not be. Unless we both want it more than anything in the world (except God, but I know how we both feel towards Him right now, not too great. But maybe we could work that out together…) Anyways, you hurt me so bad it would take a lot of work. So I don’t think you would be up for that. I don’t know Bren. I just don’t know anymore. I can’t get out of bed I miss you so much. I went to the city yesterday and just wished with every bone in my body that you were walking next to me, holding my hand, smoking a cigar. Bren, I don’t know what to do. But if there is any way you feel this too, please tell me. I can’t tell you Bren, because you made it clear you didn’t want me in your life. But if that was a mistake, then just tell me and we can try and work something out. I just miss you. So badly.