I hate to journal. But I have so many feelings. So this is it folks. My secrets, my thoughts, my emotions, my favorite words, my favorite pictures, my favorite music. This is me. You won't understand a lot of this, but don't judge me. I'm up, I'm down, I'm this, I'm that. These are trivial years in life. My thoughts are running wild, and I'm testing the waters in every area of life: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Don't try to make sense of it, just try and understand me.
Brendan, theres a lot i've personally written about you in here.
Well, I haven’t written in a while, and honestly i’m not sure if i even want to write. but i figured i should. because a lot is going on, and i need to get a grip and think about things, and not just run from it or ignore it. So to just get right to the point- i’ve been talking to brendan a lot lately. in fact, on st. patty’s day, he got really drunk and professed his love for me. Well, you could only imagine all the thoughts flying through my head. When he kept saying it, all i could do was laugh. that nervous laugh i do when i’m in awkward situations. i didn’t know what to do. i just kept telling him to go drink water. i’m just feeling so many different things. and yeah, a part of me doesn’t mind that he said it, and of course theres a selfish part of me that feels like “haha now i know for sure” but heres the thing, i didn’t actually need to hear him say it, and so most of me is upset he even did say it. because it fucks everything up. we were doing good being friends, and friends is what we need to be, for a long long time. and now he just really effed that up because now when i go home for the summer there is no way we can ignore it. we might be ignoring it now, and pretending he didn’t say all of it, but thats because its easier, we’re a 1000 miles away. but what happens when we see each other and all those feelings come flooding back, and we don’t have the self-control not to kiss and act like we’re dating again. because the “i love you” line has been crossed, it’s going to be that much harder to just act like friends. and that just really scares me because we cannot date. and we cannot really even act like we’re dating. but now its almost inevitable, and that scares me. because we’re so not ready to date again. brendan still has a long way to go to find his own contentment in life, and to beat his own addictions, and he can never give me his all or accept all my love until he figures that out. and i can’t get back into that cat and mouse game because it brings me down so much. it literally takes my happiness away to worry about him like that. and we just needed time to be friends and see if we can even make each other happy as friends, and have fun together. because the last few months of dating we never had fun together. we were always angry or annoyed at one another and neither of us could do anything right. we can’t date yet because it would go right back to that. we needed to be friends, and rediscover one another. and if we dated again, we would actually need to date. we would need to do cute things, and hang out with one another and overall just be friends. not get caught in this mess of just abusing each other. i don’t know what to do. and i’m scared. i’m scared because i can’t go through this again. its either for forever or it needs to end and he needs to find a new girl. its also scary because i don’t really think i would like him as a person right now, and i can’t not like the man i marry. i don’t like his addictions and i don’t know if he’s still lazy and motivated. i guess thats where rediscovering him comes into play. i just am really scared. but i do miss him, and do wish things could work out. he also needs to find god again. we can’t be in a relationship without god in the center again. and honestly, i can be his friend, i can hold off on the dating, but it’s just going to be so hard not to kiss him :( and once we kiss, then everything changes, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. because once we kiss, we won’t stop. and i know that will include sex. i won’t be able to resist it i don’t think. and i cannot have sex with him. if i think things are complicated now, damn things would be hard after that. because summers going to go quick, and then i’ll be back at school, and we would have two years of distance to get through. and how the hell are we supposed to do that. and that scares me already. i’m already stressing over those feelings. the end of the summer feeling, the emptiness, the pain, the sadness. i’m already stressing over that. it’s been nice not having to stress over him. and i know that comes with any relationship. but i’ve so enjoyed my freedom especially these past few weeks. and i’ve so enjoyed my happiness being in florida and doing my college things, and getting back into it with brendan would ruin that because then i gotta deal with the sadness of not being with him. and thats really freaking me out. and i don’t know what to do about it. because i love him so much. but the timing still sucks. and theres no way to avoid not falling back together this summer, at least i don’t think there is. i wish there was but i don’t think there is. because we’re going to hang out, and we’re not going to be able to stop. and if we stop then what if we miss out on something great. but what if he doesn’t grow up a little more. then we’re screwed. lord i just pray he finds his way back to you. because we especially can’t do this without you. please help me. please guide me. and please let your will be done. if we’re not supposed to rekindle this summer then please shut that door way closed and not even just cracked, but locked. because we both don’t have the self control not to open it unless its locked. and if we are, then well here goes nothing but just please give me the strength and wisdom. lord i just pray for my senior year brendan… i know that sounds bad, and i love him for him and love him even now in all of his shit, but i miss the boy i dated in high school. i think that it comes down to that in a lot of ways…